Yesterday Adam and I took the girls to a birthday party at a dance studio. It was a happy day, for all of us. Seeing the little girls all dressed in their dance outfits was one of the most adorable things I’d ever seen. It wasn’t until the party was coming to an end, and all the parents went into the studio to watch the kids show off their new dance moves, that I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirrors spanning the dance studio. I was instantly HORRIFIED. I nearly started crying right then and there. I held myself together through the party and then went into melt down mode once we got in the car.

It’s not as if I am not fully aware of the change in my body since the thyroid cancer. But at that moment it the reality hit me in the face like a ton of bricks.  I was an athlete my entire life, this couldn’t be me that I was looking at, it just couldn’t be possible. I was always a very thin girl, and not just skinny thin, but muscular thin. I was  proud of my body and my dedication to staying healthy and strong. Everything changed for me after being diagnosed with thyroid cancer. For most people having children is the point at which their bodies change forever, but prior to the thyroid cancer, I was able to bounce back after pregnancy through exercise, (particularly running and swimming) and weight training. Thyroid cancer changed everything.  The long story short is that without a thyroid, the endocrine system goes haywire.  A sluggish endocrine system means a sluggish metabolism, and without a fully functioning metabolism your body can’ t turn glucose into energy efficiently. Without energy exercising becomes difficult and at times impossible. My experience with thyroid cancer was life changing. The cancer itself being one challenge and my life being turned on it’s head another.

I was running five miles a day, and then almost over night, was barely able to get out of bed.  That’s how significan’t the change is in your body when your endocrine system fails.

So, after the party,  I had a meltdown in the car. I’m 60 pounds heavier now than I was the week I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. Seeing myself in those dance studio mirrors was a painful reminder of the battle I have faced over the past 9 years and the life long battle I have in front of me.

I spent the night feeling sorry for myself and woke up this morning with a fighting spirit. I may never be the person I was before being diagnosed with cancer, but I’m sure as hell not going down without a fight.