This is something I posted as a note on Facebook several months ago. It started out as therapy rambling, but so many people were touched by it .. I thought I would post it here, too!

I think we all get in those moods some time, where we wonder if we’re living our lives fully. I’ve always had this very real fear that some day I’ll look back and have regret over the things I didn’t do or accomplish. I’m hard on myself, beyond anything you can probably imagine. Hate to sound all Dr. Phil, but my self dialog is brutal. I’m so warm and kind to everyone else but so terribly cruel to myself. Today, for whatever reason, I took a break from brutal and instead of thinking about all the things I haven’t done and all the things I wish I could have done differently, I decided to take a trip down memory lane and remember the things I have done. In doing so I remembered experiences and adventure that I had long forgotten. It was the most wonderful therapy for me. I realize just how fortunate I have been in my life to have had so many experiences and adventures. I thought I should really start documenting these thoughts, so that when I have those moments of “I’m not doing enough with my life” … I’ll realize that I am.. and I have done a great deal already. Sometimes a trip down memory lane reminds you of who you are, and who you STILL want to be.

I was always an active kid. My sister Bridget and I never played in the house, not even in the winter. We rode our bikes, went to the pool, swam in the creek, spent hours and hours running, playing, ice skating, sledding.. you name it. We did it. We use to play Olympics. We would be gymnasts, Olympic figure skaters, and of course, Olympic swimmers. It wasn’t until third grade when my gym teacher at Park Elementary in Cross Plains pulled me aside and told me that I was very “athletic” and that I should talk to my parents about getting involved in sports that I realized that some kids had more natural athletic ability than others and that someone.. an adult who I respected.. saw something special in me. I remember being on cloud nine that day. I had never seen myself as special before then.

I started swim team when I was 9. The first year I won all my races except for two and won a most improved swimmer award. From that point on I was awarded the most valuable swimmer award for my age group every season. I never lost an individual event, that I can remember, after my first year swimming. The boys use to play with my trophies and medals when they were little. They’ve been in a box for a long time, but I always think it’s a good idea to reflect on the things that that had a profound impact on the trajectory of your life. Swimming shaped who I am today. It’s been a long time since I visualized a race before swimming it, or did my routine of going into the bathroom stall right before being called on deck to visualize my start and turn and emptying my blatter, but it’s those rituals and experiences that have given me the determination, confidence and competitiveness that I’ve carried with me and used in my adult life.

One memory I have that I will never forget was at a conference meet in Cross Plains. I must have been about 15. A Mom of a girl I swam against actually said to me before a race: “Haven’t you had enough gold in your swimming career.. maybe you could go easy on Tiffany this race?” I was swimming the 100m individual medley. Needless to say, I didn’t go easy and I won the gold metal. I will always remember that moment, and the seriousness in that Mother’s voice wanting her daughter to have a moment in the spotlight.

My mind raced from swimming to my first REAL kiss, …. it makes me all warm thinking about how mind blowing something as simple as a first kiss can be. I won’t say who, but it was 8th grade.. and I remember my WHOLE face being wet. I guess the art of kissing does take a little practice, but at the time is was absolute magic.

From Junior high Basketball to cheer leading to parties at Pudd’s Ranche.. we had so many good times. Many of those included Julie, who I am so grateful is still part of my life. I think those were the years that we dreamed about the future. What kind of life we would have, who we would marry, how many children we would have. I was a dreamer. I had so many dreams. I didn’t know then, how falling in love some day would sidetrack them. I don’t regret falling in love, but I do regret losing myself.

And then there was Germany. I had almost forgotten the night in Rüdesheim that we met with some British culinary students. That was my first make out with a foreign guy. There is something so intoxicating about an English accent, and honestly.. looking back on my life, that is a memory I’ll cherish. My steamy make out session with the cute English guy……dreamy… It helped that they brought several bottles of Asti with them to our hotel room. I hope my girls have some experiences with romance before they settle down. Being 16 in Europe, drinking because it’s not illegal, and sucking face with a cute British guy. My life hasn’t been so dull after all.

Then there was Frank.. that’s pronounced Fraaaank.. yes from Germany. I was still thinking about British boy, but my German sister Anja introduced me to her boyfriends best friend Fraaank. He was charming and flirty.. a good combination. I have to admit the German accent isn’t nearly as captivating as the English, but still. There is an allure there. Anja and I spent a lot of time together, but she always made sure to invite Frank and her boyfriend (I forgot his name) so the four of us would eat lunch at school together, hang out after school, go to night clubs (Which all the kids did in Germany. Because Alcohol was accessible to them they didn’t go crazy with it.) So, it was that last night in Germany that Frank made his move on the dance floor. He was so sweet and kind of shy. I could tell he was nervous and in fact, until then I really didn’t believe Anja when she said that Frank liked me. So we were dancing, and he pulled out a letter in a sealed envelope and said not to read it until my plane ride home and instead of handing me the letter, he put it in the back pocket of my blue jeans, and kept his hand there while we dance. It was hot, and in my teen age mind “so european” . Later that night he did give me a very sweet kiss goodbye. I really wanted to read the letter right away, but Anja talked me out of it. I saved it for the plane ride home. I know I still have that letter somewhere, but I remember it said that if I lived in Germany he would fall in love with me and ask me to marry him. I remember crying on the air plane. All that teenage.. “oh my god he loves me” stuff was going through my head. Oh, the intrigue of an impossible love. We kept in touch for a while when I got back home. We corresponded about our devastation, and how desperately we missed each other, and about him coming to the US to visit some day, but eventually the letters stopped and I’ve always wondered what happened to both Frank and Anja. I wish we would have had email then.

It was hard coming back home from Germany. There is no greater place for a 16 year old girl to experience romance, culture and life than Europe.

Of course, sometime after that I feel madly in love with Rick. He was the first true love of my life. Without saying too much, I’ll just say that Rick had a romantic side that I’m sure people who know him would never believe. He wrote me a letter almost every single day the first year we were together. He called me “sunshine” and would sing corney songs. He had the right combination of playful and serious along with having great work ethic which I respected tremendously. I’ll always love Rick. He’s Derek and Drew’s dad. I probably know him better than anyone. I will forever hurt for the lost dreams of my relationship with Rick, but I learned a lot about life and myself. When you grow in a relationship.. you’re not always growing together or in the same direction. The harder someone holds you back from being the person you are destined to be, the less likely it is for the relationship to work. I’ve never been able to understand in relationships when people say, .. “You’ve changed.” Well of course they’ve changed. I don’t think we are meant to be all we can be at the age we were when we got married. I don’t think it’s realistic to expect that someone would not grow and find themselves throughout their life. That’s why I hope that my kids wait until their closer to 30 to get married. The younger we are when we get married, the less we really know about ourselves.

Somewhere in my marriage I realized that although I loved living in Mazomanie, I was never going to be content not exploring and having adventure. The sad thing is that in retrospect I always knew I was a person that couldn’t be confined. I was a person who needed to find adventures in life. As much as I tried to ignore it, I also knew that Rick was content to not go far from home. I started to do things and have experiences without him because if I didn’t I knew in my heart that I would slowly die. I started traveling to Mexico. First just for a get away with my sister and cousin. It was like taking a deep breath after fighting for air for a long time. The feeling was I’M ALIVE. I could remember who I was, how I use to feel about life, my sense of adventure and excitement. We danced, swam in the ocean, eat at good restaurants, shopped, laughed, danced some more. I missed my two little boys at home, but that vacation to Cozumel was what I needed. I remember thinking how horrible it is that people can’t find a balance in their lives. That they can’t find a way to be a mother and wife and still not lose who they are as a person. That vacation was the moment that I realized that I would never wake up one day and feel like I sacrificed my life for my marriage or for my children. Yes, I would take a bullet to spare my child, but I will not just go through the motions of life. I want my kids to know that a woman’s role is not just care taker, housekeeper, laundry doer. I want them to realize that life is an adventure and they should live it to it’s fullest. I went back to Mexico frequently after that first visit. I feel like I found myself there. I met Brandy, an American girl who was dating a Mexican guy. We had a good connection and I enjoyed going back to visit her. My sister Bridget lived there for a time. Had I not been married with two kids I would have done the same. In mexico I learned to scuba dive, and went on many diving adventures including a 120 foot dive at devils throat. I started to learn Spanish and hired a tutor when I got back home and eventually became pretty fluent in both written and spoken Spanish, which I’m very proud of. I needed that accomplishment fix.. accomplishment is kind of like a drug for me. I need that fix every now and then. I met some wonderful people, who I learned so many things from. The family that Bridget first lived with taught me how to cook some authentic mexican dishes. I made some cookies for them, which they thought were entirely too sugary (Mexican’s don’t eat sweet pastries like we do) I bought a bike one time when I was in Cozumel and just rode around getting to know the streets and little residential areas. I even went to Cozumel one time with the intention of buying a little house. I actually had the money with me. $30,000 in travelers checks. Yes, that was the cost of a little slice of island paradise back then. Derek and Drew loved it there and I could imagine them learning to scuba dive and taking them there for winter vacation and again in the summer when school was out. It was a total escape from the craziness of the life we live in the US. Everything is easier in Cozumel. The days are longer, the air is warmer, the pace is slower. It’s amazing. It will always be a special place for me. It is the place that I figure out who I am as an adult. Of course, my travels created a great deal of rumors and speculation back home in my small town, but in all honestly. It makes me laugh, and even the rumors are memories I will cherish. I kind of wish I would have had all the Latin lover affairs that I was rumored having. I wish the reality were really that juicy. In truth, my travels were really about self reflections and finding peace. Which I achieved.

I never did buy the house. I couldn’t get the lawyer and owner together and get the paperwork done in the time I had there. I still regret that. Even Adam wishes I had been able to make that happen. He’s been with me to Cozumel, met my friends, even the guys who were allegedly my Latin boy toys, but he realized that it’s just a very sacred place for me, that I developed real friendships there. That is one thing that I will always respect about Adam. He has always respected that I’m not afraid to just live life. I’m not afraid to get on an airplane and just go somewhere, and he’s willing to go on any adventure that I suggest. He’s what I always needed. A guy who understands me, and loves me anyway.

Anyway, …. I got an itch one winter to learn to snowboard, so Drew and I hit the slopes and started learning together. He was 5 then. I went to Tyrol every night for two weeks and eventually got pretty good at it. I hadn’t met Adam yet, but it turned out that he was a skiier, so we always have that snowboarder vs. skiier rivalry between us. :) Eventually Derek also learned to snowboard and the boys and I would spend alot of time at Tyrol in the winters.

I had never been to the mountains, but after I met Adam, we talked alot about going to Colorado on a snowboarding trip. We went in the very early spring of 2000 and he proposed to me in the mountains. It was the most romantic experience of my life. I’ll never forget it. (We were married June 9, 2001) Snowboarding at Breckenridge was incredible. We want to take the boys there late next winter/early spring. They’ll love it. Since then we’ve been on a few other skii trips including Utah, which was fantastic.

Of course there’s always me, and business… which is probably my biggest challenge and my greatest source of stress. I love how my busiess challenges me on so many levels. When my mom and I started Styles in 1991. I was just a kid, but getting that first business loan and figuring things out with my mom was a wonderful experience. It took years before I had the confidence to really take the business seriously and now 18 years later, on my own.. I feel good about the way I run business. I care about my staff, about the customers. It’s really not about the money for me as much as it is the accomplishment.. the success.. that sweet taste of victory that I first experienced so many years ago when won my first swimming trophy. Last year winning a best of Madison award for Styles.. I got that fix. Money can’t buy that. I’ve stumbled through life, but I’ve always gotten back up and learned from it. Never a day goes by that my kids don’t know they are the center of my world, but they are also aware that I am more than just their mom.

Some of the best adventures I’ve had, have been adventures with my family. From beaches, to picnics, Navy Pier, Shedd Aquarium, Sear Tower, Vail Colorado, mountain biking, carnivals, pumpkin carving, finger painting, egg coloring, tree decorating, snowman building, Sea world, gator watching on grandpa’s boat in Florida, tubing, jet skiing, wake boarding, swimming lessons, Vegas, Puerta Villarta.. all those adventures fill me.

When I fall into those moments when I get bored and feel like I’m just going through the motions.. I remember that it couldn’t be farther from the truth. I just have an insatiable itch for adventure… and I will keep on finding ways to scratch that itch with the people that I love.

This has been good therapy for me :) I’m not even going to go back through and proof for typo’s. Because one of the things I’ve learned is that the people that I really care to make an impression in in my life could care less about my typo’s.

For those of you who read this that love me.. I love you back.. more than you know.