Belly Bling

They were taking me down to surgery, to remove the cancer in my neck, when I though of it.

I had forgotten to remove my belly button piercing. I’d remembered everything else, but it occurred to me that I had completely forgotten the little silver hoop on my navel. It had been there for five years. I didn’t even notice it any more, so why I suddenly remembered it.. I have no idea. The whole way to the operating room I was contemplating not mentioning it. I didn’t like the idea of taking it out. I worried that I wouldn’t be able to get it back in again after surgery. Reluctantly, I decided to come clean with my hidden piercing. I removed the hoop and handed it to the nurse, hoping to get it back after surgery. That was the last time my belly saw bling.

I wasn’t me after that day.

I had no energy. I couldn’t run. I couldn’t swim. I couldn’t do any of the things I loved to do. My routine changed. It had to. My body wouldn’t allow me to go about my normal routine. I lost more than my thyroid that day. I lost myself. Everything that made me who I am was dependent on my ability to be active. Who would I be now?

Over the years it’s seemed hopeless. I’d seen countless doctors and private specialists. I’d tried every medication available. Nothing worked. I was always exhausted. I’d gained 80 lbs. My endocrine system wasn’t functioning.   I stopped doing all the things that I loved to do, because they required energy that I didn’t have. I was depressed. The more weight I gained, the less I cared about finding myself again. I wanted so badly to love my life, but I couldn’t. Cancer had stolen what made me.. me. I’d almost given up hope.

It was do or die. I had to find a way back. I begged my endocrinologist to add T3 to my regular T4 treatment regimen. I had a feeling that something was missing, I was convinced we just hadn’t figured it out yet.  It wasn’t easy, but  finally I convinced my doctor to try, and she wrote the prescription. I left the doctors office full of hope. Hope I had not felt in years.

I started thinking about the last time I felt like me, and I remembered the day of my surgery and my belly button ring. It was symbolic. I needed another belly button ring. I wouldn’t let the cancer beat me. I COULD be me again.

I made a deal with myself. If I could lose 20 lbs I’d get my belly button repierced. If I could lose 20 lbs it would prove that it’s not impossible, and I did it.

Yesterday I had my belly button pierced again. It’s a reminder of who I was before the cancer. It’s a promise to myself. It’s a symbol that there is always hope.

*If you look closely at the second picture you can see the scar from my old piercing.. I’m kind of glad it’s there. Never thought I’d be glad to have a scar.