This blog post will give pissed a whole new meaning.

It might shock you. If you’re offended by bodily fluid and swearing, you might want to stop reading now. Fair warning!

I come from a long line of practical jokers, my Grandfather was king.. my Dad took the title when my Grandpa passed away. I guess you could say that Jack-assery.. runs in my family.

It was pretty clear from a very young age that my boys, now teenagers, were jack asses. I mean that in the most loving way. ;)

I could paint a pretty picture about how wonderful they are, what good athletes, and students they are…. how proud I am…. yada yada… because all of that is true, but that’s not what this blog post is about. I’m keeping it real.

Drew’s 15 now. He’s always been my “pretty boy”. He was the chick magnet at a very early age. He’s charismatic, outgoing, and super cute. He likes to look nice. It’s more important to him than it is to my older son, Derek.

Derek’s 17 now, and quite honestly.. Derek is much more secure with himself. He’s a gorgeous kid, but it’s less important to him. His attitude is that if someone doesn’t like me because of the name brand on my shirt… then they’re a “loser”! I’m proud of Derek for being that self assured and independant. He’s not a follower.. NOT  AT ALL. Derek is my deep kid. His measure of a person is less about what’s on the outside and more about who they are as a person.

Anyway, lets get back to the jack ass stuff.. because that’s what this post is really all about.

It’s been fun and MADDENING  raising boys…. especially boys that have a dominant jack ass gene. There is seldom a dull moment in my house….. which brings me to my story.. and please don’t gasp in horror.. because when you get past the shock… you almost want to high five the kid … this stunt was epic.

We were at the mall buying school clothes. Drew wanted some Hollister shirts.. so we went in to have a look around. The entire time Derek was ranting about Hollister being “gay”… of course, being Mom, I was upset at not only what he was saying, but how loud he was saying it. Finally I asked him to go out into the mall to wait for us. I didn’t want him to offend everyone in the store with his rant.

So, we’re at the checkout and we notice some new Hollister fragrance, Drew smells it and asks if he can get some cologne and body wash. I appreciate a guy that smells nice, so hey.. why not. He was all about it, and I’m not one to discourage good personal hygiene.

We get out into the mall and make the mistake of telling Derek about the cologne.. yeah.. wrong thing to do… “How did I end up with a brother that is so queer?” He goes on and on.

For the next two hours while we shopped that’s all I heard.. bickering about how queer Drew is for shopping at Hollister and buying cologne.  “At least I don’t smell like an asshole.” Drew bantered back.

Of course this whole time I’m saying, “Guys.. PLEASE..  STOP IT.” The more I beg them to stop.. the more they bicker. FINALLY .. thank GOD…. we leave, and I listen to it for 30 minutes on the ride home.

Fast forward a week

I hear someone getting slammed into the wall, then I hear Drew’s violent voice, “I’m going to kill you.” .. then laughing from Derek.. then BOOM.. someone hits the floor.. then “Quit being a fag”.. then BANG.. then more laughing.. then “Come on.. you pussy”…then “You’re buying me another one you asshole bastard”.. then “it was funny…. admit it..”..  and then the climax… “I  fucking hate you.. you fucking asshole.”

I run up stairs.. before someone gets hurt… “STOP IT”..of course they don’t stop right away, they keep wrestling.. fighting.. insulting… Derek had Drew in a head lock. Drew is trying to punch Derek in the head but can’t see where he’s punching.  I yell, knowing someone would get hurt if I didn’t break it up, “STOP IT.. RIGHT NOW… I’M NOT KIDDING. GET OFF OF HIM.” I finally get Derek off Drew.

“What the hell is going on?” I don’t get really mad often.. but I was MAD. Drew’s face was raw from rug burn.

The boys were out of breath… Derek was laughing.. Drew was furious!!

“He pissed in my cologne”

I was dumbfounded…. “WHAT ???????”

Derek sat there.. smirking… knowing what he’d done. Proud of his masterful prank.

“Come on Mom… it’s funny. How can you be mad? That was my best prank EVER.. you should be proud.”

It turns out that Drew has been wearing equal parts Hollister cologne and human piss to school for a week.

*sigh*

I’m a proud Mom ;)

This will be a story they tell their children

because it’s L E G E N D A R Y! *eyeroll*